I’ve cried in my sleep the last two nights which is usually an indication that I have been holding my emotions in for too long. I can feel a “melt down” coming. If you’ve known me from one of my previous churches then you know I can cry … like for real cry. And it’s an ugly cry. Blood red eyes, mascara streaks to rival the makeup of KISS and a swollen face. But that kind of cry only happens at church. I rarely ever cry at home. I have a theory as to why but to share it would make me far more vulnerable than I am willing to be. For now, that theory will stay between the Lord and me.
My best friend believes that the Lord made me to be a strong person which may be true … but I’ll be honest … I don’t feel strong. But it is what it is.
I, obviously, don’t know what the future holds – career, marriage, family, home, etc. But it is all weighing on me more than ever. When I was in my 20s, I wanted 4 children – 3 boys and 1 girl. Now, I don’t know that I want any children. I have been told that when I meet “the one” I will want to have his babies. Maybe I will or maybe I won’t. I am honestly ok with either. I don’t feel the need to carry my own child and give birth. Over the last few years, I have been given many opportunities to mother those in my life from toddlers to college age people and I have loved it. I have also loved going home to the quiet of my own home at the end of the day. Maybe that makes me selfish but I’ve realized since getting Knightley that I am selfish … so the Lord will have to work that out of me! I do know that my heart is drawn to fostering and adoption but that’s all in the Lord’s hands.
So why am I sharing all of this with you?
1. Because I have to get this off my chest so maybe my mind will shut off a bit.
2. Because the Lord called me to pray for my “children” earlier this week wherever they are and that totally threw me!
4. Finally, I am sharing this as a reminder to myself to keep seeking the Lord because I don’t have it figured out and I don’t have to have it figured out. What a relief! I just need to keep leaving it in His hands and rest in the fact that He is in control.
It’s like the hymn says:
“When your enemies assail and your heart begins to fail, Don’t forget that God in Heaven answers prayer;He will make a way for you and will lead you safely through—Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.
Leave it there, leave it there,Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there;If you trust and never doubt, He will surely bring you out—Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.”
I love you all!