I pretty much have come to the conclusion that I am screwed up. Ha! Well, I mean we all are in some way or another but having never really dated I don’t know how to relax and just enjoy the process. I question everything I say and do and figure it’s probably the wrong thing anyway. I want to blame it on growing up in the ministry but I don’t think I can because my brother and sister don’t seem to be like this. Or perhaps they chose to not let that part of the pressure of growing up in the ministry get to them. The part where everything you say and do is reflected back on your father and that spoken/unspoken fear of somehow if you do something wrong it could get your dad fired. I mean, seriously? I could write a whole other blog about what kind of church would put that kind of pressure on a pastor’s family or who has that much of a power trip to hold that kind of expectation over a kid. However, some of those fears were self-inflicted and I fully recognize that as it seems to be my own issue and I am so tired of living like this. It is suffocating. I want to be likable. I want to be enough. And in my eyes, I am neither. Ugh … that is so gross. LOL.
Over the past two weeks I have struggled with being able to sleep while part of me wonders if it is “the change” … reality says I’m too young for that. Although, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if menopause was causing my sudden bout of insomnia. Ha. However, in those sleepless moments all throughout the night I grab my phone to see if I have a notification on the Christian Mingle App letting me know I have received an email or if my profile has been viewed. When it hasn’t, I’ll disappointingly roll over and attempt to go back to sleep.
I have had the opportunity to spend some time in the presence of several lovely teenage young women. As I have listened to them talk about their lives and experiences I have not envied where they are but thought how grateful I am that I am past that point in my life. But am I? Am I past that point of comparing myself to others, trying to find worth in someone else’s eyes, hoping that the right filter on a selfie will make me feel pretty? No, I am not. And this insecurity has stared me in the face the last few days.
It is not lost on me that all this past week the Lord has been leading me to verses about finding shelter in Him during my daily quiet time. Well … apparently and obviously, I am a slow learner … but I am running to His arms to find shelter. So if you can’t find me in the next few days, just look somewhere around the feet of Jesus and you’ll find me in the fetal position clinging to the hem of His garment and taking a break from Christian Mingle. 🙂
Don’t misunderstand me, I am still on Christian Mingle but over the weekend I did turn my profile off. For this week, I am not actively searching on there. I am going to take a break from the search. It has been a wonderful experience of getting out of my comfort zone and just talking with guys from all walks of life. It’s not that I don’t know how to have a conversation I do. I am just working to not second guess myself. I am working on just relaxing and being me.
“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.” Psalm 62:5-6
“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your Word.” Psalm 119:14
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14
“So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Ephesians 5:15-20
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16-21
Being online hasn’t been easy. It’s raw and it’s vulnerable … at least for me it is. But in the end if all that has come out of it is that I am seeing myself through His eyes then it will be worth it all.
I love you all!